Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Trees, fire, beach and friends.
Ok so here are some of the pictures "Danger" sent me from this weekend. (He's the dashing young man on the far left in the red jacket, and he likes to be referred
to by his nickname) He and his wife Joan are the funniest couple I've ever met. A big thanks for planning the whole event. They are such incredible people.Our destination was Mt Tamalpais which is right by San Francisco
and Stinson beach. Our plan was to camp, hike, and have fun. Here are some of the shots. I hope you like them. 
BTW I hate the picture of me jumping, but it was WAY too funny to not include. If you ever wanted to know what I would look like if I had dreds... Go ahead zoom in and laugh. You know you want to.
Danielle Renee at 1:19 AM
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Change of wind, breakdowns, and resolution
Act One:There is a fantastic reason I haven't written in a while, personal drama. It has been an emotional couple of weeks. I have faced a lot of changes, decisions and life choices. It has all led me to this point where I sit and write to you all.
It stated last week at work. I was asked what my long term goals were and how that fit into their company. He he, yeah well... talk about immediate stress. They wanted to know if I was interested in staying with the company with a potential change of position. Because they know I have been taking classes and wanting to go after an MBA in a few years, they wanted to know how that fit with them. I was asked what my interests were in business and what I would like to start doing there. But this was a long term choice. So here I was torn with the side of me that is thinking business, wow this is a great opportunity to get a lot more experience and get into a new position that is applicable to what I want to do, not to mention make more money. But that means I can't leave. Crisis.
The problem is that the company I work for is small and they would be making business decisions based on me being there and then when I leave in Jan, screwing them over, and leaving them confused like I'd lied to them. I couldn't have that. One part of me wanted to stay and take the opportunity, but my heart couldn't allow it. But I hadn't planned on telling them I was leaving until much later when I knew everything was happening and on what date. But now that they would be making choices based on me staying I had to tell them my plans. This was hard because I was so conflicted with wanting both. To go to Spain as planned and take the business opportunity. But, after we talked I knew I had to tell them I was planning on leaving later on regardless of the ramifications I was going to face. I had to be honest, and do what was right. Some friends of mine helped me along the way, and two days later I came out with it. I had to choose my heart and what I know I'm called to next. I had to figure that out though. My dreams and my heart were calling me abroad, and the business side of me can wait.
It was with this beginning that I began a journey to more choices.
Act Two:
I had a breakdown this week, because I found myself in emotional turmoil. This is something God always does to get my attention. I start trying to figure out what is wrong with me because my heart it telling me something is wrong. I missed God. I missed worship. I missed being in church 24/7. My heart was sick. Then I started some investigative navel gazing and realized that this is the first time in the past 9 years that I haven't lived and breathed ministry. This is the first season of my life in the past three years that I haven't been at church, class, or worship at least 5 days a week. So different from my life right now.
At first I was relieved to not have to go to church all the time, but I've had enough of a break to realize I cannot live this way. I'm too much of a junkie. I think this season has/is important though so that I have enough time to emotionally recharge for Spain and beyond. But I have learned that just being an attender is not going to work for me. It's not really like I ever thought I would be, but I did always wonder. I like that I had this opportunity to see what my heart is really made of when I have free choice. I wanted to know if I could work a regular job and be an involved attender. I'm afraid it's not enough, at least not longterm. It was good to discover so I can make future choices that compliment my heart.
Breakdown, continued. The next personal revelation was that I'm actually going to Spain/North Africa in three months. I have nothing done. I'm still trying to pay off my debt from school, which should be done next month, I don't have my shots (which will be expensive) and I haven't finished my support info yet. I haven't had time to focus on my Spanish or researching the Muslim culture I will be going to. I feel like I have no time to balance all this stuff and my school, job, friends, gym, family, and church. So I had a mini meltdown.
The realization that I came to was that I can only focus on one thing well at a time and right now I have one foot in the business world and one in missions. I'm torn and stressed because I'm trying to do too much with my energy. I decided to take the business classes to see if I was interested in furthering that in my life, and the answer is yes, so it served it's purpose. I just didn't want to have to withdraw, but it also showed me I have at least two to three years of prepwork to get there. Spain will be here in three months. I decided that I need the coveted time to prepare myself emotionally, spiritually, and culturally for what is directly before me. So I decided to withdraw to a later date my most consuming class, and put my business pursuits on the shelf till after I come back from Spain.
So it's time for me to get into gear and jump in both feet and head first, into what's next. Since I have made this directed choice, I have felt so much peace and excitement for the things to come. My heart is getting ready to be changed and embark on a lifetime journey. I am unified Danielle once again.
My heart and passion for the people of North Africa and Spain are already starting to come to the surface and I'm feeling much less self important, and part of a bigger world of need.
In other news, I'm having a lot of fun hanging out with people these days. I went camping this week with some people from my church here and it was so much fun. We went camping and hiked down to the beach from our campsite. I'll post the pics when I get them from "Danger" the fire controller, and ring leader of the weekend.
There's the update. If you made it this far thanks for reading. :)
Danielle Renee at 7:43 PM